I FOUND THE ANSWER IN A LEAF

New York City, November 14-16, 2008
Lee McCormick’s Spirit Recovery Journey
Title: I found the answer in a leaf.
By Michelle Larson
Structured religion has never spoken to me. I have experimented and dabbled
throughout my life, always with the same ultimate outcome…a feeling that it just
doesn’t fit. Living a moral, caring, sharing and loving life has become what I try
to achieve.
As I delve into my forties though, the question is raised – can I follow my own
moral compass, have a higher purpose, feel enlightenment and grow as a human
being without sitting on a pew on Sunday mornings?
I have read dozens of books that say it is possible, yet after the inspiration of the
read fades and the attempts to consistently apply the methods have failed, my
search would begin again. I have traveled the world and found myself enchanted
with the peacefulness of the Hindus in Bali, the Buddhists in Thailand, and
appreciate aspects of Christianity practiced in so many countries around the
globe. Can elements of these, and something entirely different be combined to
create a customized path that I can follow?
It wasn’t a coincidence that I was sent on assignment to cover Lee McCormick’s
Spirit Recovery weekend in New York City. Although I didn’t have a clue what to
expect, my mind and heart were open to the possibilities ahead.
Twenty participants gathered in a dance studio on the fourth floor of a
downtown high rise. The hustle and bustle of the city seemed in contrast to
where I felt my mind needed to be for spiritual enlightenment, but I was going
to leave my preconditions behind and let it unfold as it may. I was just happy
that no one was wearing a purple jogging suit and KoolAid was not available on
the refreshment table. We all took off our shoes and set up chairs in a circle in
the middle of the room. Many people knew each other from previous retreats.
For me, this was a testament to what the experience had to offer.
The first half of the day was spent in our circle with Lee guiding us through the
Toltec philosophy and how we can apply it to our lives. Don Miguel Ruiz’s Toltec
wisdom book, The Four Agreements, was referred to many times. The
agreements are:
1. Be impeccable with your word: Speak with integrity. Say only what
you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip
about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and
love.
2. Don’t take anything personally: Nothing others do is because of
you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their
own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of
others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to
express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as
you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just
this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always do your best: Your best is going to change from moment to
moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.
Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-
judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Lee explained that in the Toltec teachings we are born unconditionally loving
beings, and then we inherit our legacy of judgment. Every human being is
unique with their own experiences, emotional triggers, patterns of responses,
etc. We could all be listening to the same conversation and each of us would
interpret it differently. We only hear what we choose to hear and then we let the
voices in our head take over. But, we are not the voices in our head; we are
simply the one listening. Our minds can turn a simple statement into a mini
series. But, if we stop, feel the emotion, whether it is pain or anger, then ask
ourselves, “Is that the truth, or is it a lie?” If it’s a lie, move on.
In turn, we are completely responsible for how we deliver our message, but we
are not responsible for what others hear. With awareness, we can take
responsibility for our thoughts and actions. The bad agreements we make with
ourselves make us miserable. If we don’t like where our life is going we should
let go of old knowledge and bring in new knowledge. Reprogram and change our
story. Instead of creating a novel too heavy to lift, filled with drama, and tales of
how we have been victimized; we can write a beautiful story that everyone
wants to have a chapter in. Free will gives us the power to recreate our reality.
We can make our lives something that we are happy to show up for.
I then nervously raised my hand and asked the question, “What if your story isn’t
something that is easily changed? What if your father has disowned you and
your whole family is suffering because of it?” Lee said, “That is a perfect
question for what we have in store after lunch.”….”Ugh!!”
After lunch Tian Dayton, who holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and an MA in
educational psychology, joined us. She is a therapist in private practice in New
York City. Tian’s warmth was felt immediately. She explained that we would be
doing a pyschodrama.
The purpose of psychodramatic role plays is to resolve through action insight
rather than talk alone. Through role play, thinking, feeling and behavior emerge
simultaneously to allow for a fuller picture of what is being carried in the psyche
to come into view. “Role reversal” allows the protagonist to actually stand in the
shoes of other persons in the role play in order to see the self from the position
of the other and to actually experience being “in the skin” someone else.
I was asked if I would be willing to be the protagonist with my situation. With
heart racing and palms sweating, I agreed. Tian asked me to choose people from
the group to play my family members involved. I chose someone to play my
mom, my dad, both of my sons, and my ex-husband. My cast family and I all
gathered in the center of the circle. I began by speaking to my mom. I faced her
and held her hands. The tears flowed. I said, “I wish that you and dad could
have found a way to communicate with each other about your problems and
your issues. I think it would have saved us all from some of the suffering we are
going through now with your divorce.” Then I switched roles and stood in my
mother’s place. I responded as my mom, “I wish that we could have done that
too honey. I can’t change the past though. I can only do my best now.” I then
stood in front of my father. I swallowed deeply and through my gasps from
crying said, “How could you disown me? What is wrong with you? Don’t you
have a heart? I have children and I can’t imagine my life without them? I know
that this is the worst time in your life and I want to help you through it, but you
won’t let me in. You hold on to your anger like an appendage. Is this working for
you somehow? You disowned your mother and your brother fifteen years ago
and you didn’t look back. How can you be so cold?” I then switched roles and
had to stand in my father’s place. I responded as him, “You just don’t get it. I’m
done with you people.” This went on, back and forth for about 45 minutes. It
was gut wrenching, but with Tian’s guidance and the help of the brave people
playing my family members, I got through it. In the end, I felt sympathy for my
father and I knew that I could have a happy life, with or without him. I resigned
the idea of being able to control anyone, but me. Tian had me assign an angel to
look after my dad. And Lee gave me an amazing gift. He told me that the next
time I see my dad, go up to him and simply say, “I’m going to love you whether
you love me or not.” I resisted the idea at first, but the more I let it sink in, the
more I knew it was exactly what I needed to do. It was time for me to take
responsibility for my own emotions and actions. My father’s response doesn’t
matter.
After more than an hour of playing out my psychodrama, I was beginning to feel
guilty that I was taking up too much of the group’s time with my problems.
When we were done, Tian asked each person in the group to tell me what they
thought and how they could relate it to their own lives.
What happened next has changed my life forever. I was overwhelmed to
discover that each person witnessing this painful exercise was able to apply it to
their own lives and their own story. Some had gone through a similar scenario
and identified with me, while others related to my sons or my mother. It was
amazing. And honestly, I really feel like I’m done with it. I can move on.
Whether acting out the drama or bearing witness to it, this is an incredibly
powerful way of resolving painful relationship issues and connecting people
together. The love in the room was palpable.
More members of the group opened up and freed themselves from the part of
their story that wasn’t serving them anymore. One grieved over the love that she
never received from her mother. Another woman showed us the pain that she
feels being a black woman in a society that sees beauty as blonde haired and
blue eyed. And someone else worked through her horrific childhood filled with
abuse. Our stories were different, yet our pain the same.
Saturday felt like a reunion of twenty best friends. Lee continued his teachings
and we absorbed his words like a bunch of sponges. We walked along the river
through the city with our minds and hearts open. We visited The Chapel of
Sacred Mirrors, an incredible gallery of work by Alex Grey where a series of
paintings allowed us to see ourselves and each other as reflections of the divine.
At night we met in Time Square for the spectacular theatre production of The
Lion King. We had dinner at midnight at a New York style deli. Getting to know
each other and ourselves.
Sunday, our last day, was met with mixed feelings of being elated from the
experience and the connections, but also a real sense of knowing that it was
about to end and it would be up to each of us to continue the practice.
We gathered in the morning, getting ready to walk to Wall Street. Lee asked us
to keep our minds clear and focused on the answer, whatever that meant to
each of us. He asked us to look for something that was symbolic of the answer
as we walked. The group divided into small groups and talked and laughed, like
close friends do. I walked alone for a bit and I took in the beauty. The fall leaves
covered the streets and sidewalks with a blanket of gold, amber and ruby. I
picked up a perfect bright leaf and decided that this was my answer. A leaf holds
tight to the tree until it can no longer hold on, eventually it has no choice but to
let go, the cool breeze picks it up and carries it away from the only place it has
ever known, but the leaf knows it is time to fly and land where it may.
I place the leaf in my pocket.
We arrive on Wall Street and the mood changes. Lee asked us to gather close, to
close our eyes and feel the fear that is encompassed in this space. Then he told
us to turn to see Trinity Church at the end of the street. It was glowing in the
sunlight and wrapped in shadow; a magical sight. The bells were ringing as if to
say, “I’m here. Don’t forget what is important.” We walk to the church and enter.
The energy inside was in startling contrast to the outside. There was such peace
in this sanctuary. We allowed it to sink in. Lee then led us out the back door of
the church into a beautiful old cemetery. We gathered again and closed our
eyes. Lee asked us to think of it as a place of change. He said, “Pick up a leaf
and walk alone in silence, contemplating what the leaf signifies to you. Hold on
to it or let it go. It is up to you.” With my hand in my coat pocket I touch the leaf
that I picked up earlier and thought, “Was that a coincidence?” I told myself to
not over think it. Pulling the leaf from my pocket, I held it gently in my fingers. I
slowly strolled along the cemetery path. After a bit I stopped in front of a
beautiful group of tombstones and I released the leaf, watching it fall…letting go,
letting go, letting go.
To say that I am grateful for this experience would be a vast understatement. I
have made genuine connections with the most warm-hearted, loving people. I
have a new view of myself and what is possible. I am excited for the journey
ahead.
My new question is, “What would LOVE do?” I like it. It fits.